A Lost Gospel re: Virginia Tech Massacre

Hey everyone, Uncle God wrote this months ago but couldn’t find a disciple to type it up for him.  He’s not so good with computers.  He makes a typo, He throws a wrathful lightning bolt, He waits 5 weeks for HP to recover His damaged hard drive.  You know how it goes.  –Jesus

Many true believers have looked at the Virginia Tech massacre and asked themselves, “How could God have let this happen?”

I’ll tell you how: I work in mysterious waystm. Now that I’ve answered that question to everyone’s satisfaction, I will join the rest of the punditry in parading scapegoats through a lineup to see which one gets the highest ratings. I assume there a prize for the winner.

Scapegoat #1: Atheists

Rush Limbaugh has joined a chorus of Christians who concur that future attacks can best be avoided by introducing mandatory religious indoctrination to our universities. Like many of them, Rush is uniquely qualified to comment on higher education because he actually experienced it (albeit briefly) during the two years it took him to flunk out of Southeast Missouri State University. He writes:

Maybe they’re not too young to learn that there are many things in life larger than self, and maybe being able to take comfort in a relationship with that which is larger than self ( i.e., God) would have a calming effect on some of these people who go absolutely nuts and lose their sanity.

As the only thing in the Universe larger than self, I do tend to have a calming effect on people who go absolutely nuts. Most people get a little flustered about murdering innocents, unless they’re confident in My support. Then they can calm down and take a steady aim. I’m not sure why Rush would prefer that, but to each his own.

Omnipotent though I may be, I am not the greatest in the Universe at calming the crazy. That title goes to Allah, whose devout followers can board a plane with a straight face minutes before killing thousands in His name. That brings Me to the next scapegoat: Muslims.

Scapegoat #2: Muslims

If the problem isn’t too little religion, then by elimination it must be the wrong religion! That’s why one of My favorite hellbound pundits, Debbie Schlussel, blames Islam. If there’s one coherent theme in Cho Seung-hui’s video rant, it is his devotion to Allah, who he honors by not mentioning at all. He did frequently mention Jesus, in a transparent attempt to smear My nephew’s name.

Scapegoat #3: Immigrants

Scapegoat #4: Video Games

Scapegoat #5: Television

Scapegoat #6: Too Many Guns

Scapegoat #7: Not Enough Guns

Scapegoat #8: Apples

Ken Ham, of Answers in Genesis fame, attempts to explain why I let this happen:

So, it’s not God’s fault that there is death and violence in the world—it’s humanity’s fault, because we rebelled against our Creator. … we have just a taste of what we really asked for in Adam, when the head of the human race disobeyed God’s instruction not to eat the fruit of one particular tree.

I like this guy. This crime isn’t My fault, it’s yours. Your ancestor shouldn’t have eaten one of My apples. Now look what you did! When something terrible happens, you were asking for it, and you’re just lucky nothing far worse has happened.  Now stay out of My damn orchard.

Scapegoat #8: Science

Ken Ham also blames science, which was(n’t) Cho Seung-hui’s major:

We live in an era when public high schools and colleges have all but banned God from science classes. In these classrooms, students are taught that the whole universe, including plants and animals—and humans—arose by natural processes. … The more such a philosophy permeates the culture, the more we would expect to see a sense of purposelessness and hopelessness that pervades people’s thinking.

Science introduces students to logic and facts. Neither of those two qualities was apparent in Cho’s video, but they are certainly undesirable.

Scapegoat #9: Tolerance of Homosexuals

The Westboro Baptist Church is best known for protesting dead soldiers’ funerals, because they believe I killed the soldiers as punishment for the nation’s tolerance of gays. They will be protesting the funerals of the massacre victims, too, and employing the same argument: all bad things happen because people are too nice to gays. This leaves them with precious little room to blame everything on apples.

Scapegoat 10: Fishing

abc_cho7_070418_ssh.jpgFollowing Debbie Schlussel’s type of logic, I point you to this ABC News photo and analysis, which they describe as:

In the video, Cho wore a khaki-colored vest similar to what fishermen wear.

Coincidence? I think not. Ban fishing. Bass are a bad influence.

Scapegoat #11: Insanity

No, nevermind. This one’s boring.

Jeffrey Dahmer — Answers in Genesis Spokesman?

Tonight MSNBC aired a lengthy interview with serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer and his father.

When asked by his father when he first realized people are accountable for their actions, he replied:

“Well, thanks to you [his father] for sending that, uh, Creation Science, uh, material, because I always, I always believed the lie that evolution is truth, the theory of evolution is truth, that we all just came from the slime and when we died, you know, that was it, there was nothing. So the whole theory cheapens life.

And I started reading books that show how evolution is just a complete lie, because there’s no, there’s no basis in science to it to hold it, and I’ve since come to believe that, uh, that the Lord Jesus Christ is the True Creator of the Heavens and the Earth, it didn’t just happen, I have accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. And I believe that I, as well as everyone else, will be accountable to Him.”

Take out the “ums” and that sounds a lot like an Answers in Genesis press release. Time for another commandment:

Answers in Genesis shall offer Jeffy Dahmer a PR job.

Let’s see if they’re really serious about obeying Me.

I am not Kent Hovind’s cellmate.

Creationist criminal Kent Hovind, who is serving a much-publicized prison sentence for large-scale tax evasion, has just published an alleged conversation with Me. I know I’ve made Myself scarce lately, but this slander forces Me to break My silence and clear the record. I am not, nor have I ever been, incarcerated in a federal penitentiary. More importantly, I do not love Kent Hovind.

The conversation Hovind published is a complete fabrication, but I wish to single out several portions for divine disavowment anyway: Read more…

Wonder where God has been?

You may have noticed God hasn’t been around much lately, or at least He hasn’t been posting here. Actually, He has been altogether absent from Heaven, not just the public relations office. As you know, He’s very, very old, and He’s prone to just wandering off for long periods of time. Usually we find Him down by the pond throwing rocks at frogs, but sometimes He gets lost in the woods and it takes weeks or even years to find Him. Remember World War II?

I’m just a “whippersnapper,” as the old folks say, made up by some college kid with too much time on his hands several thousand years after He was first made up by a goat-herder who was in basically the same situation. So far be it for Me to pass judgement on My elder deity, but some part of Me wishes He would just retire and turn the reins over to Somebody more competent, Somebody who would violently smite every newscaster who dares utter the words “Paris Hilton” on the air, Somebody who would have incinerated Jerry Falwell’s funeral-goers with a fiery meteor more massive than Falwell himself. Somebody with the balls — or meatballs, as the case may be — to enforce sanity on this world.

Unfortnately, that won’t be happening anytime soon. God stumbled back in this morning, stinking of fungus and asking what day it is. He said He’s going to post His thoughts on some of the events He missed. So stay tuned.

GodMen: Tyler Durden Meets Ned Flanders

I think some Christians saw Fight Club.

They apparently left the movie thinking that the one thing that could have made Tyler Durden cooler is a personal relationship with Jesus. So far I agree — a little more prayer and that movie would have been perfect. I started implementing Project Mayhem thousands of years before the Brad Pitt blockbuster hit theaters, and I was disappointed that it failed to credit Me. I should have trademarked mayhem. :-(

The GodMen, as they call themselves, could have taken that message of anarchy and manliness and gone on to start a new Crusade or the next Inquisition. They could have just started punching each other’s lights out. Instead they chose this macho Christian mission:

Read more…

Stop Squishing My Messengers

Ever wonder why you never see angels or other agents of Mine meddling directly in your affairs? After all, if I care so much about your belief, why shouldn’t I send My immortal servants to indisputably negate all doubt of My existence? To “test” your faith?


My messengers are with you all the time. And what do you do? You squish their little guts out with your Nikes. You smash their conical monuments to Me and you poison them in your kitchens. You trap them in a tiny glass farm and then toss in a piece of a leaf, like that makes it the medamned Garden of Eden or something.

Here’s another hint: they recently chewed the pattern into a leaf of Jesus and My sister-in-law Mary:

Read more…

Sorry, We’re Out Of Ponies

I noticed in the comments of a Retrospectacle post about God’s financial woes that several people are disappointed He never brought them ponies to meet their childhood requests. I have just been informed that this was supposed to be My responsibility; apparently I am the god of horses as well as the sea.

I spoke to Heaven’s stable-hand, a nice young fella named Jesus. Long beard, good sandals. He told Me,

Uncle God’s completely backlogged on the pony requests. All of Our breeders up here in Heaven are going at it as fast as their little pony loins can pump, but even the stallions are having a hard time keeping up. It’s not like God can just artificially inseminate stuff; it would come out like some funky half-mortal chimera with five legs and a photosynthetic tentacle.

He rambled on about how cruel that would be, how everybody would just throw rocks at the pony and make it wear a crown of thorns and tie it to a stick. When I pointed out that He keeps most of the breeders tied to a post in their stalls, He just pouted and stuck His tongue out.  Maybe I’m missing some history here, but He seems to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal if you know what I mean. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who works around horses all day wearing sandals?

I’m going to check with God about getting a more stable stable-hand, then I’ll see what I can do about the pony situation. Sorry for the wait.


P.S. God here. The post Poseidon referenced also called My blog “under-trafficked.” I would send the blogger to hell, but she’s absolutely right, and she gives Me the idea for a great New Commandment:

Thou shalt link to Me.

Over a hundred bloggers have already complied. There’s plenty of room here in Heaven for any others who wish to save themselves from the eternal doom of hellfire. We also have cocktail shrimp.

Jerry Falwell’s Disposable Earth

kkk.gifReverend Jerry Falwell (quite possibly pictured at right with a friend), who holds sway over millions of Christians because his affair with Ted Haggard is not yet public, has made recent headlines by warning his followers that global warming is

“Satan’s attempt to redirect the church’s primary focus” from evangelism to environmentalism.

I’m skeptical. How would Jerry Falwell know what Satan is planning?

Read more…

Blasphemous U.S. Mint Brings New Commandment

Via the column of pudgy conservative Tony Phyrillas on NewsVine, I see that the U.S. Mint has snubbed Me. This is one of the new $1 coins:


In God We Trust appears on the edge of the coin, not the front! Tony shares My outrage:

Read more…

Stephen Colbert’s Mansion in Heaven

Recently Stephen Colbert set a great example by praying to Me on the air to give thanks for all the prayers made on His behalf on Thursday, February 22nd. That was Stephen Colbert Prayer Day, a theological holiday declared by the Media Leader Prayer Calendar, a coalition of Christians who hope to reform the media by asking Me to do it for them.

The leader of the prayer group wrote:

I call upon you to pray earnestly for these people—both media leaders and cultural influencers. Pray for God’s personal impact on their lives, for His guidance and wisdom for them, for them to come to a deeper relationship with Him. Pray for God to infuse the decisions of these people with a strong, moral dimension and with a commitment to use the mighty power of media to uplift, inspire, and unify.

The Prayer Day was a huge success; I received exactly 126,231,638 prayers for Stephen Colbert, not counting the other hundred million from women asking Me to set them up on a date.

platypus.jpgBut let Me tell you, Stephen Colbert doesn’t need My wisdom. He doesn’t need My revealed truth because he can reveal his own. He is never wrong even when he is, and if he were he would have the balls not to admit it. Why would such a man need advice from the God who couldn’t even get the beaver right on His first try (see left)?

Nevertheless, Mr. Colbert was more than willing to trust Me with his own prayer:

Read more…