Ever wonder why I made stupid people?

It’s because they’re so entertaining and loyal to me. I make just enough smart people to keep civilization from falling apart, but they hardly ever come to church or give me money. So I fill the rest of the ranks with people like conservative columnist Debbie Schlussel. It’s fun to see just how stupid they can be and still survive to adulthood.

Today’s excitement comes from CNN’s talk show Paula Zahn Now (transcript), where Schlussel joined Hunter College journalism professor Karen Hunter and conservative hack Ryan Anderson to turn a panel discussion about discrimination against atheism into a good old-fashioned game of “blame the victim.” Atta’ girls!

ANDERSON: Part of the public persona and the public image of atheism is what’s presented by people suing to remove “In God We Trust” from the coins or God phrase in the pledge of allegiance. And when that militant atheism becomes kind of like the public image of atheism, I think that gives rise to a lot of discontent with atheism.

Absolutely! As the Creator of the entire Universe of billions of galaxies of billions of stars, including your country among the hundreds of others on your planet, I will be deeply pissed off if My name is not on your currency. Do you really want to let a few rationalist spoil-sports bring down my wrath upon everybody?

HUNTER: What does an atheist believe? Nothing. I think this is such a ridiculous story. Are we not going to take “In God We Trust” off of our dollars? Are we going to not say “one nation under God?” When does it end? We took prayer out of schools. What more do they want?

Where does it end? I guess it could end with not plastering My name all over your government institutions and currency, but I’m glad people like Karen Hunter are around to keep it from getting that far. If you take My name out of your pledge and your money, you’ll be just another hot-bed of sin like Canada.

To say atheists believe nothing is to underestimate the threat they pose. They believe the best way to understand the Universe is through cautious, rational inquiry, and that you shouldn’t jump to poorly supported conclusions just because they make you feel good. That’s much worse than believing in nothing. If that way of thinking spreads, all the industries that rely on people believing false things will collapse. Yadda yadda yadda, armageddon.

SCHLUSSEL: No, I agree with her 100 percent. I think that the real discrimination is atheists against Americans who are religious. Listen, we are a Christian nation. I’m not a Christian. I’m Jewish, but I recognize we’re a Christian country and freedom of religion doesn’t mean freedom from religion. And the problem is that, you have these atheists selectively I believe attacking Christianity.

Schlussel interprets freedom of religion as the Founding Fathers intended: freedom to choose whether to be a Protestant or a Catholic, a Lutheran or a Baptist, a Methodist or a… well, actually, that’s it.

Atheists have been systematically attacking Me just because it’s more convenient to attack the religion of the people persecuting them than the thousands of other religions on the planet. Typical of those lazy hypocrites.

HUNTER: I think they need to shut up about crying wolf all the time and saying that they’re being imposed upon. I personally think that they should never have taken prayer out of schools. I would rather there be some morality in schools. But they did that because an atheist went to court and said their child — don’t pray (INAUDIBLE).

I’m glad somebody touched on the importance of prayer in school, because so many children are growing up without being indoctrinated into My flock. If they grow into atheists who don’t understand morality through prayer, I will stop receiving entertaining prayers like my daily laugh from Ted Haggard. Or like this prayer I received from one of the CNN panelists above (I can’t say which one, because of deity-disciple confidentiality):

Dear God,

Last night I snorted two lines of coke off a 12-year-old’s naked body. Problem is, the kid was the same sex as me. How big a check should I write you to get out of going to hell?

(name removed)

I’ve never received a prayer that funny from an atheist.

One of the reasons atheists have no morality, by the way, is that they almost never go to jail. They make up 8-12% of the U.S. population as a whole, but only 0.21% — that’s 1 in 500 — of the prison population. If they don’t do anything immoral, how can they possibly understand what’s immoral? We have to get these people to start committing crimes or they’re never going to learn not to commit crimes.

Update

I have sent two of the panelists an email rewarding their faith:

To: Debbie Schlussel <dschlussel@yahoo.com> and Karen Hunter <professorhunter@aol.com> (real emails, by the way)

Dear disciples,

Thank you for going on CNN and spreading lies about atheism. We can’t afford to let the truth about them get out, or everybody will stop believing in Me. I have written about your courage on My blog:

(link here)

You are two of My favorite little sheep.

-God

No reply yet. Stay tuned.

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