Paula Zahn to Join Anna Nicole Smith in Hell

Posted by God on February 9th, 2007 in Going to Hell

Yesterday I spoke too soon in praise of CNN. I wrote in My last post about devout windbag Debbie Schlussel,

I’m glad CNN realized she belongs on an expert panel, while a lesser network might have assigned her to a straightjacket. Unfortunately their good judgement did not last — they’ve called noted atheist Richard Dawkins to appear in rebuttal on the same show tonight at 8:00pm.

When God says something is going to happen, it damn well better happen! We Gods were all gathered in front of the 200-Inch Plasma TV of the Gods, eager to watch Our faithful allies, armed with lies and endearing Bushesque incoherence, defeat the eloquent atheist in debate. But when Paula Zahn came on she had different news:

BREAKING NEWS! Brainless litigious gold-digging decaying druggie bimbo Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

“Hallelujah!” thought I.

Then I realized they were going to scrap the entire planned show and prattle about this instead. Paula Zahn defied My word and embarrassed me in front of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The penalty for this is eternal damnation, a.k.a. “divine timeout.”

I’m a just God. I could forgive coverage of a major emergency, as you will see when California falls off into the ocean. But this? Here you have someone who devoted her life to getting naked until some rich guy on death’s doorstep would marry her, so she could inherit and then fritter away her unearned millions pretending to be important until she’s finally too old and ugly for anybody to notice. You know what’s more important than that? Everything.

I don’t know how you fill an entire sentence with that story, let alone an entire hour. I also don’t know exactly what Paula Zahn covered because I quickly channel-surfed My way to something more intellectual (like Reno 911). However, it was hard-hitting journalism along these general lines:

  • Can we see pics of her guts after the autopsy? Can we can we?
  • Who will care for her goldfish? What fish food does it prefer?
  • Did you know that Anna Nicole Smith can be rearranged to spell A channel I mist on? It’s an annagram.
  • Is she an implant donor?

This story inspires Me to reveal something about the uniquely personal nature of hell, where, as you might have guessed, Anna Nicole Smith is currently burning. Furthermore, she has to make love to the 90-year-old oil tycoon she married four times a day for all eternity. He’s not rich, though. He lives in a van down by the River of Fire. The van is stocked with just enough moldy bread for survival, and an endless supply of Viagra. It smells like dead salmon.

When Paula Zahn finally dies, she will join local Action News 11 in the 9th Circle of Hell, where she will be partnered with a blind cameraman and eternally assigned to doing 30-second pieces about elementary school bake sales and firefighters getting cats out of trees. At night she will still be sandwiched between Wolf Blitzer and Larry King, in more ways than one.

By the way, the rescheduled Dawkins interview will appear at 8:00pm on Monday, February 12th. I’m not willing to reveal exactly what will happen if it gets bumped again, but locusts will be involved.

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36 Responses to “Paula Zahn to Join Anna Nicole Smith in Hell”

  1. BigHeathenMike, on February 9th, 2007 at 5:39 pm Said:

    Locusts. Fuckin’ A. In view of this turn of events, I may have to reconsider my position of ‘heathen’ and become a godly man.

  2. Danny, on February 10th, 2007 at 12:14 am Said:

    I pesonaley find you to be a god fearin’ homo too scard to eat his cake and have it to. i eat mine for the lord jesus my savyer. evry man i know down at the pub took thar hats of when Anna Nikole died. rounds all around on the house and here you are makin’ funs of her fer tryin to make a livin boy i bet you aint earned a doller yer hole life! oh about that california. i got buddies in the stix give you a royle arse whipin if you do. wach yerself boy, redneck powah!

  3. KK_f, on February 10th, 2007 at 11:42 am Said:

    Think about buying my ‘avant-garde’ novel. Thus, you shall receive enlightenment from thy inner self how to proceed (with 24/7 sardonic satire, of course). It’s a win/win situation, dude. God bless you with discernment.

  4. Storm, on February 21st, 2007 at 12:18 am Said:

    Wow Danny you sound really retarded. What a shame. I hope you are able to chew and swallow food ok. It must suck being able to count your mother and your wife on the same finger.

    But alas, we all have our cross to………….oh whatever.

    Dawkins is just alright with me.

  5. Storm, on February 21st, 2007 at 12:25 am Said:

    Hey God, do I make you laugh ?
    I like to make people laugh in my own Godless way but sometimes I get so lost, so well so godless and outnumbered.
    Please tell me what atheist hell is like.

    I smoke like a chimney and I never expected to live as long as I have. I am thirty-six now and so wiped out from my religious training that I don’t see what is left to do?

    Tell me please.
    Am I coming home soon to live in the basement?

    Gary
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  6. Storm, on February 21st, 2007 at 12:26 am Said:

    God, what does savyer mean?

    Gary…..again

  7. Storm, on February 21st, 2007 at 12:28 am Said:

    Why won’t you heal amputees?

    Just a question.

    Me again

    sorry

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    […] Gibson, host of The Big Story on Fox News, is the latest in a series of mainstream reporters sentenced to an eternity in hell for unabashedly obsessive coverage of the […]

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