Allah: “Religion of Peace” My Ass

Posted by Allah on February 12th, 2007 in Blasphemy, Going to Hell

There was a recent controversy on YouTube regarding a video presentation put together by atheist Nick Gisburne presenting some of My teachings. YouTube apparently removed the video and deleted his account, prompting dozens of other users to post it in his place. Here’s one working copy of the video in question:

It is based on quotes from the Skeptic’s Annotated Quran. Before Islam starts to get some negative PR, I would like to explain why it’s handy to be so warlike in the cutthroat world of major western religion.

If you believe in only part of the Scripture, you will suffer in this life and go to hell in the next. 2:85

In the Bible, everyone finds a verse to support his viewpoint and ignores another that says the opposite. If a holy book can be used to justify any point of view, then the power to control the people passes from Me to the local clerics who tell people which parts to believe. Then they can harness the power of faith to move people to violence in furtherance of their own petty ambitions instead of Mine. Booooo. I want people to believe everything I say, even when I contradict myself.

Jews are the greediest of all humankind. They’d like to live 1000 years. But they are going to hell. 2:96

If the Quran said, “hey, Jews are swell people, you should try matzo bread some time,” how could Islam have spread across their lands to those beyond? You can’t recruit holy warriors with a platform of, “hey, these are nice folks, go kill them anyway.” You have to slander an ethnic group before you can persecute it.

Speaking of persecution, here’s a slew of similar calls to action against non-believers:

Those who hide the Scripture will have their bellies eaten with fire. Theirs will be a painful doom. 2:174

Kill disbelievers wherever you find them. 2:191

War is ordained by Allah, and all Muslims must be willing to fight, whether they like it or not. 2:216

Those who marry unbelievers will burn in the Fire. 2:221

We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Their habitation is the Fire 3:151

Allah will bestow a vast reward on those who fight in religious wars. 4:74

Have no unbelieving friends. Kill the unbelievers wherever you find them. 4:89

Muslims that make friends with disbelievers will face a doom prepared for them by Allah. 5:80

Don’t let the disbelievers think they can escape. They are your enemy and the enemy of Allah. 8:59-60

Slay the idolaters wherever you find them. 9:5

Fight the disbelievers and hypocrites. Be harsh with them. They are all going to hell anyway. 9:73

The good works of disbelievers are all in vain. They will go to hell anyway. 18:104-105

Disbelievers will wear garments of fire, boiling fluid will be poured on their heads, their bellies and skin will be melted, they will be tormented with iron hooks, and when they try to escape they will be driven back with the taunt: Taste the doom of burning. 22:19-22

Those in the fire will be taunted by those in the Garden. “So how’s it going down there? Are you enjoying the warmth of the Fire?” 7:44

The list goes on, but you get the idea.

A religion is a living predator; it must be given the tools to procreate and hunt down new victims. Many religions fail to rise above “cult” status because they preach peace, giving themselves no way to gain mindshare. Had I designed Islam like that, you would have never even heard of Me. A religion must be more malignant than its competitors in order to spread across their turf:

  • It must isolate believers from friendly contact with unbelievers to prevent contamination by competing ideas. The best policy is: if it moves without praying to Allah, shoot it.
  • It should promise harsher punishment for unbelievers, and in more sinister language, because some people judge the truth of a worldview based upon which hell they would least like to inhabit. I certainly wouldn’t want to “taste the doom of burning,” would you?
  • Here’s one of My innovations. True unbelievers aren’t worried about the doom of burning because they don’t believe the threat. Instead of limiting their burning to the afterlife, I have urged My believers to burn them in this life, too. That gets their attention.  It also provides an outlet for bloodlust for My believers, which really attracts that flammable 18-25 male demographic.
  • It should offer greater rewards to the faithful. You might think this would be expensive, but all rewards are redeemable only in the afterlife. Heh heh. I’ll take your fluffy cloud palace, God, and raise you 72 virgins and a perch from which to taunt the damned. Beat that!

Judaism had a thousand-year head start on Me and Christianity almost that, but with My aggressive strategies, My religion caught up with them in a century, and the empire of My followers became the greatest military power in the region. Can’t argue with results.

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57 Responses to “Allah: “Religion of Peace” My Ass”

  1. claire, on February 12th, 2007 at 7:20 pm Said:

    that pretty concisely points out the best things about islam. way2go. :)

  2. claire, on February 12th, 2007 at 7:21 pm Said:

    btw, your blog is funny and unique, but your logo at the top is very hard to read and you should probably come up with something more badass considering who you represent. :)

  3. Helder Sanches » YouTube censura Ateísmo, on February 19th, 2007 at 9:37 am Said:

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  4. Lord Shiva, on February 22nd, 2007 at 7:20 pm Said:

    Oh me, Now I see where I’ve been going wrong all these milennia. *don’t* let them share ideas with outsiders - Burn the - what was it - Infidels?

    I mean, for Samsara’s sake, I don’t even pay them enough attention to let them have an afterlife worth a damn. I could have bribed the lot of them with virgins, paradise, the works. What an army I could have had. Those buddhists would have never got a look-in.

    What I’m missing is clearly your focus on the ‘real world’ and your dynamism. And quite a lot of that boiling flesh, lakes of fire rhetoric, too.

    I’m taking notes, Big Al, I thought you should know.

  5. jimmy dean, on February 25th, 2007 at 10:45 pm Said:

    I wonder if a maggot eating a dead religious warrior knows to thank god for her/ his feast.

  6. dikkii, on February 27th, 2007 at 6:28 am Said:

    Hi Allah,

    This is a bit off-topic, but how come you and God are separate?

    Given that Allah is the Arabic word for God, and that Abraham only worshipped one god, (he says, anyway) aren’t you guys one and the same?

    Love your work,

    Dikkii.

  7. Allah, on February 27th, 2007 at 10:04 am Said:

    If you think that’s bad, you should try to figure out this Trinity stuff. He’s the father… no, he’s his own son… no, he’s a ghost. BOO! Somebody call Peter Venkman. Who the hell knows?

    Really the difference between Me and God is basically the same as the difference between Han Solo and Indiana Jones. I’ll let you figure out which one of Us has a wookie sidekick.

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  22. Jibrail, on December 21st, 2007 at 12:33 pm Said:

    The verses fromt he Quran, some a false soem are true, but the ones that true they hide other parts to make it as if its causing problems. You should examine the Quran i bit for further to understand, i doubt that but yh, ya know!

    For example:

    Don’t let the disbelievers think they can escape. They are your enemy and the enemy of Allah. 8:59-60

    Which was suppose to be:
    8:59:- And let not those who disbelieve think they can outstrip (escape from the punishment). Verily, they will never be able to save themselves (from Allah’s punishment).

    8:60:- And make ready against them all you can power, including steeds of war to threaten the enemy of Allah and your enemy, and others besides whome, you may not know but whome allah does know. And what ever you shall spend in the Cause of Allah shall be repaid unto you, and you shall not be treated unjestly (on the day of resurrection).

    Have you read 61 too? I doubt that, the reason why Allah has mentions the verse above, is that they dont believe in Allah and transgress on earth (cause war). To be honest i am wasting my time, but yh (might aswell)

    8:61: But if they incline to peace, you also incline it, and put your trust in Allah. Verily, He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower.

  23. Jibrail, on December 21st, 2007 at 12:38 pm Said:

    I promise you that, you will regret alot, poeple who disbelieve! Dont forget that Life is full of regrets!

    Infact i garentee, dont be suprised after you are dead and raised back to life.

    Peace be upon you, my Brothers and Sisters in Islam and Christianity!

    I always will reccomend you to read The Quran. :D

  24. Jibrail, on December 21st, 2007 at 1:12 pm Said:

    FUNNIEST PART!!!!!!

    POEPLE JUDGE AND DENY, BEFORE THEY READ AND LISTEN!!!!

    FUNNY INIT, NOT SUPRISED REALLY, ITS WHAT CALL “DEATH, DUMB AND BLIND, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND”

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