John Gibson, host of The Big Story on Fox News, is the latest in a series of mainstream reporters sentenced to an eternity in hell for unabashedly obsessive coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith story. Some liberal watchdogs have criticized this transcript from Gibson’s radio show:

GIBSON: Now I submit to you that that is a real, honest-to-God drama. Now it may not fit the high-minded views of a lot of news professionals, people who think that their news program is just another part of Foreign Affairs Quarterly. That only a certain kind of news is worthy of their discussing. Those people are snobs. They’re people who, when they see a story, go, “Ew, icky. I don’t want to do that.” I did this for years. I’ve been doing a long time. I’ve approached many stories and said, “That story isn’t worth our trouble.” It has always been a mistake. Always. Every single time I did it. So when I see people like this guy —

[CLIP ANDERSON COOPER] There’s a war on, there’s a war on, there’s a war on.

GIBSON: Oh, there’s a war on, there’s a war on. Maybe, just maybe, people are a little weary, Mr. Cooper, of your war coverage, and they’d like a little something else. Maybe that’s why they all thundered to this story.

The liberals point out that:

Since Smith’s death on Feb. 8, 42 U.S. soldiers have died fighting in Iraq. Approximately 969 Iraqis have been killed.

Sure, CNN and Fox News could have spent a little time telling those soldiers’ stories, highlighting them as individual Americans instead of statistics in a footnote. But they only have 24 hours of airtime a day to work with. Besides, how many of those soldiers got naked with an 89-year-old just to win several billion dollars? That alone makes Anna Nicole Smith more important than all 42 dead soldiers combined, according to the media coverage. John Gibson was right to call out Anderson Cooper for his asinine insistence on covering the war in the face of juicy gossip.

But John Gibson has lost sight of something. He would have you believe that Anna Nicole Smith’s death is the juiciest gossip in town, and that he is a man of the people for delivering it to them. But what about My nephew Jesus, Mr. Gibson, who recently returned to Earth as a Tortilla? What about Santa’s reindeer strike? What about obese ballerinas, Mr. Gibson?

If John Gibson really wanted to tell the stories people want to see, then he should have sent his resume to a news outlet that focuses on exactly that: the Weekly World News. His record at Fox News may not meet their standards of journalistic integrity, which are essential for covering important stories like the bat boy, warrior penguins, and tofu-mutilating aliens. But that he didn’t even try is unforgivable. For failing to live up to his principles, I have arranged for John Gibson to spend eternity in hell.

I called up Satan last night to arrange the sentence. He suggested we make Gibson trade lap dances with Fox & Friends host Steve Doocy in an Islamic madrassa while the students throw brimstone at them. I rejected that idea because, based on aspects of this life to which only We omniscient beings are privy, Gibson and Doocy would enjoy that “punishment.” They’re suckers for brimstone… among other things. Instead I suggested that he join Paula Zahn at Action News 11 in the 9th Circle of Hell, where he will anchor their short international news segment and be forced to report truthfully on stories of real consequence. Normally this would kill him, but in Hell he will already be dead.

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Technorati Tags: anna nicole smith, celebrity gossip, CNN, dead soldiers, fighting in iraq, Fox News bias, fox news, gibson oh, going to hell, John Gibson affair with Steve Doocy, john gibson, Obama madrassa, Steve Doocy, war coverage

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