Jerry Falwell’s Disposable Earth
Reverend Jerry Falwell (quite possibly pictured at right with a friend), who holds sway over millions of Christians because his affair with Ted Haggard is not yet public, has made recent headlines by warning his followers that global warming is
“Satan’s attempt to redirect the church’s primary focus” from evangelism to environmentalism.
I’m skeptical. How would Jerry Falwell know what Satan is planning?
Last year Falwell acquired a sizable chunk of Satan’s shares in Hell in a crooked stock deal. Now the Prince of Darkness is worried about a hostile takeover, so he’s extremely tight-lipped around Falwell’s minions.
Nevertheless, Falwell does highlight an important point first made by Ann Coulter:
God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, “Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It’s yours.”
I made the Earth in less than 7 days. If you destroy it, I’ll just build you an other one and send Jesus down to carry all the True Believers to the new planet on a magic schoolbus. Sorry if I forgot to write part of that down in the Bible; it was a rush job and My publisher wanted an early start since it had to be handwritten for the first thousand years. Also, they didn’t know about schoolbuses yet.
Environmentalism is a petty distraction from the important things, like giving Me money and kissing My ass. Do you know how many ornate churches you could have built with the $2 billion wasted cleaning up the Exxon Valdez oil spill? Do you know how many thousands of people waste their weekends cleaning up roadsides and streams and seashores, when they could be knocking on doors at 8:00am shoving My book in peoples’ faces? Sometimes it feels like only Jehovah’s Witnesses really care about Me, but I know Jerry Falwell’s got My back too.
He has a history of statements about global warming which brilliantly integrate My new commandments. First, he applies the Pat Robertson commandment (evangelists are better than everyone else) to assert his authority over scientists:
I don’t believe in global warming in the first place, and I don’t believe we caused it, and I don’t think the science supports it.
Sure, the scientists think the science supports it, but most of them have PhDs from elite universities, where they presumably sip lattes in their ivory towers all day long, holding family meetings with chimpanzees instead of doing research. Falwell flunked out of the 44th best master’s-level university in the mid-Atlantic region in his sophomore year and went on to receive his bachelor’s degree in theology from an unaccreddited Bible college in Missouri. This allowed him to become an evangelist, which means he can authoritatively contradict smart people in their own areas of expertise because he has a direct line to My infinite wisdom.
Because Falwell’s education sheltered him from the temptation of reason, he is able to establish a conspiracy around global warming:
The fact is this whole thing is cyclical, and the scientists who are not on the payroll of the government to do these studies are saying the jury’s still out — there’s no such evidence there. But there are many who want to break the economic back of America by making us sign the Kyoto protocols while China, India, and half the world have said they would not do it.
This is a fantastic use of the Schlussel Commandment (thou shalt not research thine claims). If he had looked at some of the research suggesting humans cause climate change, he would have noticed that very few authors work for the federal government, and many work at universities in other countries or for privately funded institutions. Deftly sidestepping those facts, he proceeds from his faulty premise using even more faulty logic to suggest that scientists “on the payroll of the government” are conspiring “to break the economic back of America.” That’s right, they’re going to all this trouble just to dry up their own paychecks.
This inspires a new commandment, the Falwell Commandment:
Never let logic get in the way of a good point.
Some may question My decision to name this commandment after Falwell, arguing that Ann Coulter deserves the honor. But Ann Coulter is just a woman (as she would be the first to tell you). Falwell towers above her because people look to him for serious spiritual advice. Who else has the ear of the President tuned in to his pro-AIDS, anti-Constitution, anti-Semitic positions like these?
AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharoah’s chariotters.
The idea that religion and politics don’t mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.
I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way — all of them who have tried to secularize America — I point the finger in their face and say, “You helped this happen.” (By the way, by “this,” he means 9/11.)
The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior.
This makes it even harder to believe that Falwell privy to a Satanic conspiracy to undermine Me, because his rhetorical skills will make him a powerful competitor of Satan’s when he arrives in hell. I suspect he is exaggerating for effect, and that he actually believes the conspiracy was hatched by homosexuals, not Satan. I can forgive Jerry Falwell’s dramatic license in light of his important message that the Earth is kind of like toilet paper: you’re supposed to smear shit all over it, then flush it and get a new roll.
Add to: Blink It | Blogarithm | Bloglines | | Digg it | FURL | +Google | My AOL | NewsGator | Newsburst | Reddit | Slashdot | Spurl | Y! MyWeb
Technorati Tags: Ann Coulter, Commandments, conspiracy, environment, global warming, going to hell, hell, Jerry Falwell, Jesus, Satan, Sycophants
Trackback URL here.
RSS Feed of the Gods
[…] brings you Jerry Falwell’s Disposable Earth posted at Blog of the Gods. God is also very unhappy about some of the new dollar […]
I pity you sir. I really do. You’re a pitiful creature.
Falwell was a fat bloated pig biggot that lived the lifestyle of the rich and famous preaching hate. The only unfortunate thing about his death is that is was quick. He should have suffered the rigors of hell by being trapped in a useless paralyzed body while having full mental faculties. I would only pity those that would have to look after this disgusting fart bag. Any and everyone who subscribes to this idiot’s rants should be condemned to a life of miserable poverty followed by an eternity of living hell. Liberty University should be bulldozed and marked with 666 as the true devil created this vile institution of hate and lunacy. The sooner we can close the book on this delusional jackass the better. The problem remains as to what to do with all of the dumb fucks who have been so misguided as to listen to this worthless greedy pig who was only after their money. How could so many ignorant people having actually been taken in by the garbage that Farwell was spewing?
All I can say is, you can’t know Dr. Falwell unless you know him personally. One of his biggest goals was to reach those that had no hope and show them that there is hope. All he ever did was speak the truth, and say what no one else had the guts to. But he never got nasty or rude. He loved anybody and everybody even those whose lifestyles he spoke out against. Dr. Falwell was an incredible man and he did what so many are scared to do. I don’t think anyone can argue with the fact that he impacted the world.
Johnny,
Falwell preaching hate?! Let’s look at your posting.
“He should have suffered the rigors of hell…”
“…disgusting fart bag”
“…condemned to a life of miserable poverty followed by an eternity of living hell”
“…should be bulldozed and marked with 666 as the true devil created this vile institution of hate and lunacy”
“…delusional jackass…”
“…dumb fucks…”
“…worthless greedy pig…”
Let’s all subscribe to Johnny’s loving message. I’m sure it would be a better world.
Mark, I have only skimmed the surface when it comes to Fartwell, the cornerstone and catalyst of hate mongering towards millions of innocents. And yes, I stand by everything I say. You are obviously one of the many who have such small minds that you cannot comprehend the greater good of people from diverse backgrounds. I hear the words of people who “claim” they have met him or even knew him. But most certainly, his consistent message does not in anyway reflect their defense of him, and it never will. It still amazes me how anyone could subscribe to the lunacy of his hateful diatribe, much less defend anything he stood for. Sending a message of hate for fellow men in the name of religion is ignored by those who are intelligent free thinking individuals. You are obviously not one of them.
I can tell you this. If anyone ever sets foot in my business with a degree from Liberty University, they will be kicked to the curb. Anyone attending or working at that hall of shame should have the word MORON etched onto their forehead.
I think for myself and have done quite well in this life. I will not ever subscribe to a message of hate that generalizes millions of people as second or third class citizens as Fartwell has done all of his life.
The reason why this country is embroiled in the Iraq war is because we have a president who thinks he is superior to others, including the people he is working for. Essentially, Farwell was the same way. Bush’s gross miscalculation is not realizing that Arabs will fight to the death rather than be oppressed. A one hour visit with skilled theologians would have given Bush the insight not to invade Iraq. He wants to control the largest oil reserves in the world and all other considerations are secondary. That message is clear to me and more than 60% of this country. And that is why this war cannot be won. Jerry Fartwell and George Bush are two of a kind……….greedy pigs. Everyone else can pay, even with their lives, except them. Anything to advance their self serving agenda. Bush’s presidency is about to completely unwind, and he will no doubt ride this straight into the ground. My only hope is that he is brought to justice for his crimes.
You are clearly in the minority in this country. But it still amazes me that people like you actually exist.
Good Riddance! Now there’s one less ASSHOLE on Earth!
he hurt so many people with his bigoted views and hate towards others, thank GOD he can’t do it anymore..
I hope others living the “Christainity lifestyle” learn from all his wrong doings.
ATTENTION EVERYONE! There will be a celebration in front of Thomas Road Baptist Church on May 19, 2007 at 1:00PM. The public is cordially invited to attend. Please bring posters and plycards depicting Jerry Falwell in hell (preferably with Jerry being sodomized by Satan or fornicating with his mother). Representatives from the media are especially encouraged to attend. Please help us send Jerry to hell in style! Never forget the hate and venom that spewed from this scumbag’s mouth.
Lexapro medication….
Lexapro side-effects. Lexapro. Lexapro and alcohol. Lexapro medication adverse effects. Gain weight on lexapro….
Cooking classes in boston….
Cooking classes for kids. Fullerton cooking classes….
Carmen electra….
Carmen electra….