Stop Squishing My Messengers

Posted by God on March 10th, 2007 in Worshippers, Mysterious Ways

Ever wonder why you never see angels or other agents of Mine meddling directly in your affairs? After all, if I care so much about your belief, why shouldn’t I send My immortal servants to indisputably negate all doubt of My existence? To “test” your faith?

WRONG.

My messengers are with you all the time. And what do you do? You squish their little guts out with your Nikes. You smash their conical monuments to Me and you poison them in your kitchens. You trap them in a tiny glass farm and then toss in a piece of a leaf, like that makes it the medamned Garden of Eden or something.

Here’s another hint: they recently chewed the pattern into a leaf of Jesus and My sister-in-law Mary:

RIO DE JANEIRO, September 20 (RIA Novosti, Andrei Kurguzov) - Images of Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary discovered on leaves in tropical Brazilian forests are divine messages made by ants, a local television channel has claimed.

Mary’s kind of of hot, isn’t she?

While theologians have joined forces with psychics to try to understand the phenomenon, scientists (as usual) are trying to spoil the fun:

While scientists continue their efforts to establish the origin of the mysterious images, theologians and psychics maintain these are messages from God.

Scientists should be in a better position than anyone to understand the divine source of these messages, because they know ants can lift twenty times their own body weight and can walk on water.  They’re crazy to look at those things and think, “yeah, that’s mortal.”

Ants have been carrying out My most important orders on Earth for a while.  These include:

  1. Pampering queens
  2. Walking on water
  3. Dragging dead caterpillars around
  4. Locating breadcrumbs
  5. Scurrying

If you humans were willing to get off your lazy asses and scurry over to your nearest dead caterpillar to do My work, I might not have even made a Hell in the first place.  But noooooo, you’d rather sit in church singing crappy songs about Me.  You know how you start to hate a song after the radio station’s been playing it too much for a few weeks?  Well, try listening to Amazing Grace several times a day for two thousand years — you’d be begging for the Macarena after a week.  And you wonder why I’m wrathful.

If you don’t have the guts to do My work, can you at least stop squishing them out of those who do?

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107 Responses to “Stop Squishing My Messengers”

  1. boom, on March 11th, 2007 at 4:00 am Said:

    this blog is loads of fun.
    linking you up, gods.
    and i won’t be squishing ants today.

  2. hell’s handmaiden » Blog Archive » Oh, Look! IDart!, on March 11th, 2007 at 12:07 pm Said:

    […] Stop Squishing My Messengers: Images of Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary discovered on leaves in tropical Brazilian forests are divine messages made by ants, a local television channel has claimed. […]

  3. themaiden, on March 15th, 2007 at 9:57 am Said:

    Tag from Hell’s Handmaiden.

  4. Jerome Doolittle, on April 4th, 2007 at 4:56 pm Said:

    What a kioder You are, pretending You couldn’t spell “Peace” in Portuguese! I laughed till my hair split.

  5. cled, on April 28th, 2007 at 11:12 pm Said:

    i’m linking you up God. I did not know God has a sense of humour. I am sorry by the way. I am one of those who squishes and sprayed insecticides on your ant messengers. I’ll restrain myself if they scourge on my box of chocolates. hehehe!

  6. Mike, on May 21st, 2007 at 11:28 pm Said:

    I also discovered your site today and am still laughing hysterically. I have heard of so many others having God speak to them and now I know where they must be getting it. Now I see that Moses didn’t lose the other commandments from breaking a rock, it must have been a hard drive failure!

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