I am not Kent Hovind’s cellmate.
Creationist criminal Kent Hovind, who is serving a much-publicized prison sentence for large-scale tax evasion, has just published an alleged conversation with Me. I know I’ve made Myself scarce lately, but this slander forces Me to break My silence and clear the record. I am not, nor have I ever been, incarcerated in a federal penitentiary. More importantly, I do not love Kent Hovind.
The conversation Hovind published is a complete fabrication, but I wish to single out several portions for divine disavowment anyway:
GOD: Son, time has no effect on me. I created it. I am always here to help you and guide you in any area of your life. Go ahead with your questions, son.
Does Kent have any idea how much work I have as chief administrator of all 3,285,113,145,853,231,958 planets in the Universe (3,285,113,145,853,231,959 if you count Pluto)? Kent Hovind can’t wipe his own ass without praying for guidance to find the crack. My plan to inoculate Christians against thinking for themselves has backfired.
KH: These last seven months in prison have been rather difficult for me, Lord. In fact, in the last month, I’ve been in five different facilities.
GOD: I know, son. I’ve been with you the entire time (Hebrews 13:5).
For the record, I have not been with Kent Hovind the entire time. I have not been with him at all. I would rather cut off my antennae with a wooden spatula than socialize with that sycophantic ninny.
And that’s enough “son” crap. I don’t have a son. I have a brother named Duke and he has a kid named Jesus, who people have mistaken for my son. I’m a bit out of Mary’s league, though. She wasn’t much of a looker.
KH: Well God, yesterday was especially hard. I couldn’t sleep the night before because I expected them to call me at 3:30 a.m. to pack up for the bus ride up here to South Carolina.
GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn’t we? Thank you for loving me and talking with me.
Just what kind of “sweet fellowship” is he implying throughout that “long night”? Quoth Bill Clinton, “I did! not! have! sexual relations with that man!!!”
GOD: Yes, son. I know all about being treated badly and being real uncomfortable. But, son, have other men gone through this before?
Yeah, My throne up in Heaven really makes My butt itch if I sit in it the wrong way. I have it rough.
The only reason I keep Kent’s heart beating is so he can torture the other inmates with this sort of yacking, but I’m beginning to doubt that decision. Is annoying them worth suffering this much annoyance Myself?
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God doesn’t take kindly to Kent hovind putting wo…
It seems Kent Hovind’s recent post on his blog where he pretends to talk to some character named “God”, or something, has really gotten the real guy God pissed off….
The only reason I keep Kent’s heart beating is so he can torture the other inmates with this sort of yacking, but I’m beginning to doubt that decision.
Dear God,
Please smite him… Please.
Also, can I pull the smiting lever?
Hey God,
Now that Ken’s brainwashed son is taking over his delusional teachings, can you do something about him too?
Can I get on the list to pull the smiting lever also?
This is very funny. Nice work.
[…] gets on God’s bad side: I am not Kent Hovind’s cellmate. […]
Let’s all share the smite lever!
[…] I am not Kent Hovind’s cellmate. […]
Just noticed Hovind’s website has now been smited:
http://www.drdino.com /
Nice work, God… It’s a start.
oh, and thanks for the super-quick response, even if you picked someone else to pull the lever…
God damn it, God… Can’t you do anything right?
you’ve let him loose on your internets again.
http://www.drdino.com
Sorry, a temporary 404 or DoS does not a smiting make.
Nate, I thought the correct form of that verb was “smotifimicated”.
hah! I’m taking a page from Lurita Doan’s GSA playbook and blaming the Horatory Subjunctive. http://www.tpmmuckraker.com/archives/003427.php
But I likes it…
Smotifimication.
as in:
Let’s all get smotifimified.
t
you all suck! grow up.
this website should be torn down. its completely a sick website that some sick perv old man thought up.
warning to all those who actually read this website: it is a sick bias wesite that an old perv thought up…obviously someone brainless
Um… if you’re God… who is this guy then…?
http://thelordgodalmighty.wordpress.com/
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I resent the way you are portraying my lord and saviour in those writings.
These guys have such massive planks in their eyes and they’re trying to remove the wood chip from Kent’s eye. A little weak don’t you think? Not even worth wasting Oprah’s time over!
I seriously doubt whether any ‘Hovind haters’ could actually find ‘ad hominem’ in the dictionary… enough said.
Jesus Loves All Of You So Much He Send His Only Son To Die On The Cross!!!
God loves all of you
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I wonder how witty you will be when one day you stand before God and he says ” I don’t know you”
hey !!
its very reasonable point of view.
Good post.
realy good post
thank you
The Lord Loves you. Even now.
I reckon most if not all of what Hovind Sr. says is true in his seminars. The reason i believe this is because its stirs so many people into a frenzy. If he were really that ignorant… No-one would listen. and that’s just not happening.
The problem is Kent Hovind quoted the bible - “i will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5) ~ the bible is true. Jesus said “Your (God’s) Word is true” (John 17:17). So if you say that Kent Hovind is wrong to say that God is with Him then you call Jesus a liar.
“He who does not believe God has made Him a liar because he has not believed the testimony that God has given of His Son and this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life” (1 John 5:11-12)
My question to you is, do you have life?