I noticed in the comments of a Retrospectacle post about God’s financial woes that several people are disappointed He never brought them ponies to meet their childhood requests. I have just been informed that this was supposed to be My responsibility; apparently I am the god of horses as well as the sea.

I spoke to Heaven’s stable-hand, a nice young fella named Jesus. Long beard, good sandals. He told Me,

Uncle God’s completely backlogged on the pony requests. All of Our breeders up here in Heaven are going at it as fast as their little pony loins can pump, but even the stallions are having a hard time keeping up. It’s not like God can just artificially inseminate stuff; it would come out like some funky half-mortal chimera with five legs and a photosynthetic tentacle.

He rambled on about how cruel that would be, how everybody would just throw rocks at the pony and make it wear a crown of thorns and tie it to a stick. When I pointed out that He keeps most of the breeders tied to a post in their stalls, He just pouted and stuck His tongue out.  Maybe I’m missing some history here, but He seems to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal if you know what I mean. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who works around horses all day wearing sandals?

I’m going to check with God about getting a more stable stable-hand, then I’ll see what I can do about the pony situation. Sorry for the wait.

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P.S. God here. The post Poseidon referenced also called My blog “under-trafficked.” I would send the blogger to hell, but she’s absolutely right, and she gives Me the idea for a great New Commandment:

Thou shalt link to Me.

Over a hundred bloggers have already complied. There’s plenty of room here in Heaven for any others who wish to save themselves from the eternal doom of hellfire. We also have cocktail shrimp.

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Reverend Jerry Falwell (quite possibly pictured at right with a friend), who holds sway over millions of Christians because his affair with Ted Haggard is not yet public, has made recent headlines by warning his followers that global warming is

“Satan’s attempt to redirect the church’s primary focus” from evangelism to environmentalism.

I’m skeptical. How would Jerry Falwell know what Satan is planning?

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Via the column of pudgy conservative Tony Phyrillas on NewsVine, I see that the U.S. Mint has snubbed Me. This is one of the new $1 coins:

In God We Trust appears on the edge of the coin, not the front! Tony shares My outrage:

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Pat Robertson has been trying to make this point for a while, and I would just like to confirm it: Pat Robertson is better than you, and he can do whatever he wants to.

Consider this account from a recent AP story:

NORFOLK, Va. - A Texas bodybuilder suing Pat Robertson contends the religious broadcaster walked into federal court for a legal proceeding and told him: “I am going to kill you and your family.”

According to a complaint Phillip Busch filed with the Norfolk police, Robertson made the threat when he entered a room in the courthouse Wednesday to be questioned for a deposition.

It is apparently part of a pattern:

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The vapid conservative heroine who condemned atheists on CNN last week has answered their bitter reaction with a post on her blog so insightful it validates almost every blonde joke in the books:

Something happened over the last 24 hours. Beginning last night, my inbox became populated with vile hate-mail from atheists. No skin off my back.

But it is entertaining and amusing. It’s hard to believe their letters because they were all attacking me for my appearance on CNN’s “Paula Zahn Now,” a week ago, but coincidentally each letter claims the sender just watched me on CNN. First of all, the video of that segment appears nowhere on the net. Believe me, if it did, I’d link to it.

I commend Debbie for resisting the temptation to learn about technology, for not following George W. Bush down the path of sin that leads to discovering the Google on the Internets. Had she taken that road, she might have Googled “Paula Zahn atheists” and noticed that a YouTube video of her appearance is the top search result. This brings Me to the first of many New Commandments I hope to deliver through My blog. It shall be known hereafter as the Schlussel Commandment:

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