Creationist criminal Kent Hovind, who is serving a much-publicized prison sentence for large-scale tax evasion, has just published an alleged conversation with Me. I know I’ve made Myself scarce lately, but this slander forces Me to break My silence and clear the record. I am not, nor have I ever been, incarcerated in a federal penitentiary. More importantly, I do not love Kent Hovind.

The conversation Hovind published is a complete fabrication, but I wish to single out several portions for divine disavowment anyway: Read more…

31 Comments »

I noticed in the comments of a Retrospectacle post about God’s financial woes that several people are disappointed He never brought them ponies to meet their childhood requests. I have just been informed that this was supposed to be My responsibility; apparently I am the god of horses as well as the sea.

I spoke to Heaven’s stable-hand, a nice young fella named Jesus. Long beard, good sandals. He told Me,

Uncle God’s completely backlogged on the pony requests. All of Our breeders up here in Heaven are going at it as fast as their little pony loins can pump, but even the stallions are having a hard time keeping up. It’s not like God can just artificially inseminate stuff; it would come out like some funky half-mortal chimera with five legs and a photosynthetic tentacle.

He rambled on about how cruel that would be, how everybody would just throw rocks at the pony and make it wear a crown of thorns and tie it to a stick. When I pointed out that He keeps most of the breeders tied to a post in their stalls, He just pouted and stuck His tongue out.  Maybe I’m missing some history here, but He seems to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal if you know what I mean. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who works around horses all day wearing sandals?

I’m going to check with God about getting a more stable stable-hand, then I’ll see what I can do about the pony situation. Sorry for the wait.

——————————————

P.S. God here. The post Poseidon referenced also called My blog “under-trafficked.” I would send the blogger to hell, but she’s absolutely right, and she gives Me the idea for a great New Commandment:

Thou shalt link to Me.

Over a hundred bloggers have already complied. There’s plenty of room here in Heaven for any others who wish to save themselves from the eternal doom of hellfire. We also have cocktail shrimp.

14 Comments »

Moments after being called to the stage to pick up the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, Dreamgirls co-star Jennifer Hudson corrected the Academy’s mistake, placing credit squarely where it’s deserved: with Me! Almost the first words out of her mouth were,

“Look what God can do.”

I’m sure that’s what the nominees who lost were thinking, too. Later in her speech, Hudson repeated her thanks,

“I thank the Academy… Definitely have to thank God, I guess, again.”

You guess? I suppose I’ll let that slide, since most of the other winners entirely forgot to cede credit to Me. In fact, that’s why you won. I don’t love any of the other supporting actresses at all. They suck, especially the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine, and I’m totally not on their side at all. Thanks for rubbing it in for Me.

5 Comments »

WorldNetDaily commentator Vox Day would. Vox, whose real identity is Theodore Beale and whose email address is theo@eternalwarriors.com, responds to the following question:

If your god revealed to you in a set of flawless communications you could not dispute that you should kill every child you see under the age of 2, would you?

You might want to cross the street if you’re walking with your children and see hemiskinhead Vox Day (pictured left) coming, because his answer is…

.

…an emphatic yes:

Read more…

19 Comments »

Yesterday I spoke too soon in praise of CNN. I wrote in My last post about devout windbag Debbie Schlussel,

I’m glad CNN realized she belongs on an expert panel, while a lesser network might have assigned her to a straightjacket. Unfortunately their good judgement did not last — they’ve called noted atheist Richard Dawkins to appear in rebuttal on the same show tonight at 8:00pm.

When God says something is going to happen, it damn well better happen! We Gods were all gathered in front of the 200-Inch Plasma TV of the Gods, eager to watch Our faithful allies, armed with lies and endearing Bushesque incoherence, defeat the eloquent atheist in debate. But when Paula Zahn came on she had different news:

Read more…

38 Comments »

Allow Me to introduce Myself. I am the hopefully not copyrighted deity worhipped by a growing population of Pastafarians in the United States. I exist in the same way that God, Allah, and Zeus exist, but I taste better and come with meatballs.

The meatballs have strengthened My appeal among groups who shun other gods. Atheists, agnostics, and other rabble who did not fall for Jesus’ shtick are receptive to My noodly appendage. As a token of appreciation toward My constituents, I have commandeered the Blogroll of the Gods and added many atheist links, including the amazing auto-updating Atheist Blogroll itself.

Disclaimer: Like all gods, I show Myself to the world slathered in many different sauces. The seasoning I have taken on here should not be confused with that on My official website, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, any more than God’s presence on this blog should be associated with His representation in the Vatican.

12 Comments »