I noticed in the comments of a Retrospectacle post about God’s financial woes that several people are disappointed He never brought them ponies to meet their childhood requests. I have just been informed that this was supposed to be My responsibility; apparently I am the god of horses as well as the sea.

I spoke to Heaven’s stable-hand, a nice young fella named Jesus. Long beard, good sandals. He told Me,

Uncle God’s completely backlogged on the pony requests. All of Our breeders up here in Heaven are going at it as fast as their little pony loins can pump, but even the stallions are having a hard time keeping up. It’s not like God can just artificially inseminate stuff; it would come out like some funky half-mortal chimera with five legs and a photosynthetic tentacle.

He rambled on about how cruel that would be, how everybody would just throw rocks at the pony and make it wear a crown of thorns and tie it to a stick. When I pointed out that He keeps most of the breeders tied to a post in their stalls, He just pouted and stuck His tongue out.  Maybe I’m missing some history here, but He seems to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal if you know what I mean. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who works around horses all day wearing sandals?

I’m going to check with God about getting a more stable stable-hand, then I’ll see what I can do about the pony situation. Sorry for the wait.

——————————————

P.S. God here. The post Poseidon referenced also called My blog “under-trafficked.” I would send the blogger to hell, but she’s absolutely right, and she gives Me the idea for a great New Commandment:

Thou shalt link to Me.

Over a hundred bloggers have already complied. There’s plenty of room here in Heaven for any others who wish to save themselves from the eternal doom of hellfire. We also have cocktail shrimp.

14 Comments »