I noticed in the comments of a Retrospectacle post about God’s financial woes that several people are disappointed He never brought them ponies to meet their childhood requests. I have just been informed that this was supposed to be My responsibility; apparently I am the god of horses as well as the sea.

I spoke to Heaven’s stable-hand, a nice young fella named Jesus. Long beard, good sandals. He told Me,

Uncle God’s completely backlogged on the pony requests. All of Our breeders up here in Heaven are going at it as fast as their little pony loins can pump, but even the stallions are having a hard time keeping up. It’s not like God can just artificially inseminate stuff; it would come out like some funky half-mortal chimera with five legs and a photosynthetic tentacle.

He rambled on about how cruel that would be, how everybody would just throw rocks at the pony and make it wear a crown of thorns and tie it to a stick. When I pointed out that He keeps most of the breeders tied to a post in their stalls, He just pouted and stuck His tongue out.  Maybe I’m missing some history here, but He seems to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal if you know what I mean. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who works around horses all day wearing sandals?

I’m going to check with God about getting a more stable stable-hand, then I’ll see what I can do about the pony situation. Sorry for the wait.

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P.S. God here. The post Poseidon referenced also called My blog “under-trafficked.” I would send the blogger to hell, but she’s absolutely right, and she gives Me the idea for a great New Commandment:

Thou shalt link to Me.

Over a hundred bloggers have already complied. There’s plenty of room here in Heaven for any others who wish to save themselves from the eternal doom of hellfire. We also have cocktail shrimp.

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This is so embarrassing. I’ve learned via Pharyngula that this past Monday 21-year-old Indiana resident Kevin Russell tried to cash a check I wrote him for $50,000 and it apparently bounced:

Kevin Russell found out it’s not easy trying to cash a check from God. The 21-year-old man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a check for $50,000 at the Chase Bank in Hobart that was signed “King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant,” Hobart police Detective Jeff White said.

Russell was charged with one count attempted check fraud and one count intimidation, both felonies, and one count resisting law enforcement, a misdemeanor. He could face prison time.

Look fellas, I appreciate your attempts to blame the kid, but this really is My fault. I may be omniscient and omnipotent, but My accountant is neither. I got a little carried away at the track last weekend and wasn’t watching My account balance closely and, long story short, today I had to get a loan from China just to pay Heaven’s electric bill.

Now you know why it’s so important that you put money in the donation plate in church. Money doesn’t grow on trees, despite My best efforts. I got pesos to grow on a bush one time, but a raccoon ate them.

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CNN is reporting on the latest medical miracle feel-good story for which I, again, have received full credit:

NEW YORK (AP) — Daniel Walker was on his final lap jogging in his high school gym class when he collapsed, his flawed heart giving out on him.

More than four days later, his heart at a standstill, kept alive by a bypass machine, it began beating again. The 17-year-old’s parents called it divine intervention. His physicians were no less amazed.

They’re right — it was all me. The father describes My intervention in more detail:

Walker’s father described his son’s recovery in spiritual terms. “God turned around, put His hand on my son, and recharged him,” said William Walker, 58, a retired sanitation worker.

Sick children are like rechargeable batteries. I can heal them whenever I want to, but I only felt like giving this one a miracle because he’s so much better than the other sick children out there, who are all a bunch of losers if you ask Me.

Anyone know who gave the kid a bum ticker in the first place?

Anyone?

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