Hey everyone, Uncle God wrote this months ago but couldn’t find a disciple to type it up for him.  He’s not so good with computers.  He makes a typo, He throws a wrathful lightning bolt, He waits 5 weeks for HP to recover His damaged hard drive.  You know how it goes.  –Jesus

Many true believers have looked at the Virginia Tech massacre and asked themselves, “How could God have let this happen?”

I’ll tell you how: I work in mysterious ways^tm. Now that I’ve answered that question to everyone’s satisfaction, I will join the rest of the punditry in parading scapegoats through a lineup to see which one gets the highest ratings. I assume there a prize for the winner.

Scapegoat #1: Atheists

Rush Limbaugh has joined a chorus of Christians who concur that future attacks can best be avoided by introducing mandatory religious indoctrination to our universities. Like many of them, Rush is uniquely qualified to comment on higher education because he actually experienced it (albeit briefly) during the two years it took him to flunk out of Southeast Missouri State University. He writes:

Maybe they’re not too young to learn that there are many things in life larger than self, and maybe being able to take comfort in a relationship with that which is larger than self ( i.e., God) would have a calming effect on some of these people who go absolutely nuts and lose their sanity.

As the only thing in the Universe larger than self, I do tend to have a calming effect on people who go absolutely nuts. Most people get a little flustered about murdering innocents, unless they’re confident in My support. Then they can calm down and take a steady aim. I’m not sure why Rush would prefer that, but to each his own.

Omnipotent though I may be, I am not the greatest in the Universe at calming the crazy. That title goes to Allah, whose devout followers can board a plane with a straight face minutes before killing thousands in His name. That brings Me to the next scapegoat: Muslims.

Scapegoat #2: Muslims

If the problem isn’t too little religion, then by elimination it must be the wrong religion! That’s why one of My favorite hellbound pundits, Debbie Schlussel, blames Islam. If there’s one coherent theme in Cho Seung-hui’s video rant, it is his devotion to Allah, who he honors by not mentioning at all. He did frequently mention Jesus, in a transparent attempt to smear My nephew’s name.

Scapegoat #3: Immigrants

Scapegoat #4: Video Games

Scapegoat #5: Television

Scapegoat #6: Too Many Guns

Scapegoat #7: Not Enough Guns

Scapegoat #8: Apples

Ken Ham, of Answers in Genesis fame, attempts to explain why I let this happen:

So, it’s not God’s fault that there is death and violence in the world—it’s humanity’s fault, because we rebelled against our Creator. … we have just a taste of what we really asked for in Adam, when the head of the human race disobeyed God’s instruction not to eat the fruit of one particular tree.

I like this guy. This crime isn’t My fault, it’s yours. Your ancestor shouldn’t have eaten one of My apples. Now look what you did! When something terrible happens, you were asking for it, and you’re just lucky nothing far worse has happened.  Now stay out of My damn orchard.

Scapegoat #8: Science

Ken Ham also blames science, which was(n’t) Cho Seung-hui’s major:

We live in an era when public high schools and colleges have all but banned God from science classes. In these classrooms, students are taught that the whole universe, including plants and animals—and humans—arose by natural processes. … The more such a philosophy permeates the culture, the more we would expect to see a sense of purposelessness and hopelessness that pervades people’s thinking.

Science introduces students to logic and facts. Neither of those two qualities was apparent in Cho’s video, but they are certainly undesirable.

Scapegoat #9: Tolerance of Homosexuals

The Westboro Baptist Church is best known for protesting dead soldiers’ funerals, because they believe I killed the soldiers as punishment for the nation’s tolerance of gays. They will be protesting the funerals of the massacre victims, too, and employing the same argument: all bad things happen because people are too nice to gays. This leaves them with precious little room to blame everything on apples.

Scapegoat 10: Fishing

Following Debbie Schlussel’s type of logic, I point you to this ABC News photo and analysis, which they describe as:

In the video, Cho wore a khaki-colored vest similar to what fishermen wear.

Coincidence? I think not. Ban fishing. Bass are a bad influence.

Scapegoat #11: Insanity

No, nevermind. This one’s boring.

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Creationist criminal Kent Hovind, who is serving a much-publicized prison sentence for large-scale tax evasion, has just published an alleged conversation with Me. I know I’ve made Myself scarce lately, but this slander forces Me to break My silence and clear the record. I am not, nor have I ever been, incarcerated in a federal penitentiary. More importantly, I do not love Kent Hovind.

The conversation Hovind published is a complete fabrication, but I wish to single out several portions for divine disavowment anyway: Read more…

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Reverend Jerry Falwell (quite possibly pictured at right with a friend), who holds sway over millions of Christians because his affair with Ted Haggard is not yet public, has made recent headlines by warning his followers that global warming is

“Satan’s attempt to redirect the church’s primary focus” from evangelism to environmentalism.

I’m skeptical. How would Jerry Falwell know what Satan is planning?

Read more…

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Moments after being called to the stage to pick up the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, Dreamgirls co-star Jennifer Hudson corrected the Academy’s mistake, placing credit squarely where it’s deserved: with Me! Almost the first words out of her mouth were,

“Look what God can do.”

I’m sure that’s what the nominees who lost were thinking, too. Later in her speech, Hudson repeated her thanks,

“I thank the Academy… Definitely have to thank God, I guess, again.”

You guess? I suppose I’ll let that slide, since most of the other winners entirely forgot to cede credit to Me. In fact, that’s why you won. I don’t love any of the other supporting actresses at all. They suck, especially the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine, and I’m totally not on their side at all. Thanks for rubbing it in for Me.

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Pat Robertson has been trying to make this point for a while, and I would just like to confirm it: Pat Robertson is better than you, and he can do whatever he wants to.

Consider this account from a recent AP story:

NORFOLK, Va. - A Texas bodybuilder suing Pat Robertson contends the religious broadcaster walked into federal court for a legal proceeding and told him: “I am going to kill you and your family.”

According to a complaint Phillip Busch filed with the Norfolk police, Robertson made the threat when he entered a room in the courthouse Wednesday to be questioned for a deposition.

It is apparently part of a pattern:

Read more…

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Senator John McCain built his senatorial career flirting with moderation. I thought I would never forgive him.

Recently, he’s come around. He gave a commencement speech at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, a pretty much unaccredited institution so Christian it even creeps Me out. And now he has agreed to deliver a keynote address on February 23rd at the Discovery Institute, an organization of My most passionate disinformers. This behavior has earned him the nickname “Saint McCain.”

For abandoning his secular principles, for lifting himself ever higher to kiss the Gigantic Ass in the Sky, I hereby award Saint McCain a halo:

May it eternally glow brighter than his head already does.

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WorldNetDaily commentator Vox Day would. Vox, whose real identity is Theodore Beale and whose email address is theo@eternalwarriors.com, responds to the following question:

If your god revealed to you in a set of flawless communications you could not dispute that you should kill every child you see under the age of 2, would you?

You might want to cross the street if you’re walking with your children and see hemiskinhead Vox Day (pictured left) coming, because his answer is…

.

…an emphatic yes:

Read more…

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CNN is reporting on the latest medical miracle feel-good story for which I, again, have received full credit:

NEW YORK (AP) — Daniel Walker was on his final lap jogging in his high school gym class when he collapsed, his flawed heart giving out on him.

More than four days later, his heart at a standstill, kept alive by a bypass machine, it began beating again. The 17-year-old’s parents called it divine intervention. His physicians were no less amazed.

They’re right — it was all me. The father describes My intervention in more detail:

Walker’s father described his son’s recovery in spiritual terms. “God turned around, put His hand on my son, and recharged him,” said William Walker, 58, a retired sanitation worker.

Sick children are like rechargeable batteries. I can heal them whenever I want to, but I only felt like giving this one a miracle because he’s so much better than the other sick children out there, who are all a bunch of losers if you ask Me.

Anyone know who gave the kid a bum ticker in the first place?

Anyone?

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The vapid conservative heroine who condemned atheists on CNN last week has answered their bitter reaction with a post on her blog so insightful it validates almost every blonde joke in the books:

Something happened over the last 24 hours. Beginning last night, my inbox became populated with vile hate-mail from atheists. No skin off my back.

But it is entertaining and amusing. It’s hard to believe their letters because they were all attacking me for my appearance on CNN’s “Paula Zahn Now,” a week ago, but coincidentally each letter claims the sender just watched me on CNN. First of all, the video of that segment appears nowhere on the net. Believe me, if it did, I’d link to it.

I commend Debbie for resisting the temptation to learn about technology, for not following George W. Bush down the path of sin that leads to discovering the Google on the Internets. Had she taken that road, she might have Googled “Paula Zahn atheists” and noticed that a YouTube video of her appearance is the top search result. This brings Me to the first of many New Commandments I hope to deliver through My blog. It shall be known hereafter as the Schlussel Commandment:

Read more…

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International eyes have recently fallen on Kenya as a result of opposition by My followers to a museum’s presentation of Turkana Boy as a distant ancestor of humanity. So far the skeleton has been sealed in a vault, but now scientific radicals are trying to allow the public to see it, even though it conflicts with My account of creation.

A scientist poses with the skull of Turkana Boy:

They are faced with a common dilemma: acknowledge obvious, demonstrable facts, or believe My word. This is an encouraging story which shows that some Kenyans, not just Americans, are capable of thinking with their hearts instead of their brains.

Read more…

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