Oops, My Check Bounced

This is so embarrassing. I’ve learned via Pharyngula that this past Monday 21-year-old Indiana resident Kevin Russell tried to cash a check I wrote him for $50,000 and it apparently bounced:

Kevin Russell found out it’s not easy trying to cash a check from God. The 21-year-old man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a check for $50,000 at the Chase Bank in Hobart that was signed “King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant,” Hobart police Detective Jeff White said.

Russell was charged with one count attempted check fraud and one count intimidation, both felonies, and one count resisting law enforcement, a misdemeanor. He could face prison time.

Look fellas, I appreciate your attempts to blame the kid, but this really is My fault. I may be omniscient and omnipotent, but My accountant is neither. I got a little carried away at the track last weekend and wasn’t watching My account balance closely and, long story short, today I had to get a loan from China just to pay Heaven’s electric bill.

Now you know why it’s so important that you put money in the donation plate in church. Money doesn’t grow on trees, despite My best efforts. I got pesos to grow on a bush one time, but a raccoon ate them.

Fox’s John Gibson to join Anna Nicole Smith and Paula Zahn in Hell

15_61_gibson_john_320.jpgJohn Gibson, host of The Big Story on Fox News, is the latest in a series of mainstream reporters sentenced to an eternity in hell for unabashedly obsessive coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith story. Some liberal watchdogs have criticized this transcript from Gibson’s radio show:
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I Win Oscar for Best Supporting Actress

Moments after being called to the stage to pick up the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, Dreamgirls co-star Jennifer Hudson corrected the Academy’s mistake, placing credit squarely where it’s deserved: with Me! Almost the first words out of her mouth were,

“Look what God can do.”

I’m sure that’s what the nominees who lost were thinking, too. Later in her speech, Hudson repeated her thanks,

“I thank the Academy… Definitely have to thank God, I guess, again.”

You guess? I suppose I’ll let that slide, since most of the other winners entirely forgot to cede credit to Me. In fact, that’s why you won. I don’t love any of the other supporting actresses at all. They suck, especially the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine, and I’m totally not on their side at all. Thanks for rubbing it in for Me.

I am not a Goose

carol_lynn_papas.jpgThere was some unfortunate confusion in Colorado recently when 53-year old grandmother Carol Pappas (pictured right) stabbed her toddler granddaughter 62 times with a butcher knife based on spiritual advice from a goose. In light of my recent praise of Theodore Beale for his willingness to whack wee ones on My word, I feel obligated to issue a clarification: butchering babies is only okay if I, God, tell you to, not if a goose tells you to.

Apparently the jury did not agree.

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Pat Robertson is Better than You

Pat Robertson has been trying to make this point for a while, and I would just like to confirm it: Pat Robertson is better than you, and he can do whatever he wants to.

Consider this account from a recent AP story:

NORFOLK, Va. – A Texas bodybuilder suing Pat Robertson contends the religious broadcaster walked into federal court for a legal proceeding and told him: “I am going to kill you and your family.”

According to a complaint Phillip Busch filed with the Norfolk police, Robertson made the threat when he entered a room in the courthouse Wednesday to be questioned for a deposition.

It is apparently part of a pattern:

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Saint McCain gets his Halo

Senator John McCain built his senatorial career flirting with moderation. I thought I would never forgive him.

Recently, he’s come around. He gave a commencement speech at Jerry Falwell‘s Liberty University, a pretty much unaccredited institution so Christian it even creeps Me out. And now he has agreed to deliver a keynote address on February 23rd at the Discovery Institute, an organization of My most passionate disinformers. This behavior has earned him the nickname “Saint McCain.”

For abandoning his secular principles, for lifting himself ever higher to kiss the Gigantic Ass in the Sky, I hereby award Saint McCain a halo:

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May it eternally glow brighter than his head already does.

Would You Massacre Children for Me?

WorldNetDaily commentator Vox Day would. Vox, whose real identity is Theodore Beale and whose email address is theo@eternalwarriors.com, responds to the following question:

If your god revealed to you in a set of flawless communications you could not dispute that you should kill every child you see under the age of 2, would you?

voxday.jpgYou might want to cross the street if you’re walking with your children and see hemiskinhead Vox Day (pictured left) coming, because his answer is…

.

…an emphatic yes:

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I Really Like This One Kid

CNN is reporting on the latest medical miracle feel-good story for which I, again, have received full credit:

NEW YORK (AP) — Daniel Walker was on his final lap jogging in his high school gym class when he collapsed, his flawed heart giving out on him.

More than four days later, his heart at a standstill, kept alive by a bypass machine, it began beating again. The 17-year-old’s parents called it divine intervention. His physicians were no less amazed.

They’re right — it was all me. The father describes My intervention in more detail:

Walker’s father described his son’s recovery in spiritual terms. “God turned around, put His hand on my son, and recharged him,” said William Walker, 58, a retired sanitation worker.

Sick children are like rechargeable batteries. I can heal them whenever I want to, but I only felt like giving this one a miracle because he’s so much better than the other sick children out there, who are all a bunch of losers if you ask Me.

Anyone know who gave the kid a bum ticker in the first place?

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Anyone?

Allah: “Religion of Peace” My Ass

There was a recent controversy on YouTube regarding a video presentation put together by atheist Nick Gisburne presenting some of My teachings. YouTube apparently removed the video and deleted his account, prompting dozens of other users to post it in his place. Here’s one working copy of the video in question:

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It is based on quotes from the Skeptic’s Annotated Quran. Before Islam starts to get some negative PR, I would like to explain why it’s handy to be so warlike in the cutthroat world of major western religion.

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Paula Zahn to Join Anna Nicole Smith in Hell

Yesterday I spoke too soon in praise of CNN. I wrote in My last post about devout windbag Debbie Schlussel,

I’m glad CNN realized she belongs on an expert panel, while a lesser network might have assigned her to a straightjacket. Unfortunately their good judgement did not last — they’ve called noted atheist Richard Dawkins to appear in rebuttal on the same show tonight at 8:00pm.

When God says something is going to happen, it damn well better happen! We Gods were all gathered in front of the 200-Inch Plasma TV of the Gods, eager to watch Our faithful allies, armed with lies and endearing Bushesque incoherence, defeat the eloquent atheist in debate. But when Paula Zahn came on she had different news:

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