When the Flying Spaghetti Monster gets Bored
Here’s what happens when I have too much time on My Noodly Appendages:
I hope this settles anyone’s doubt of My existence.
Debbie Schlussel Inspires New Commandment from God
The vapid conservative heroine who condemned atheists on CNN last week has answered their bitter reaction with a post on her blog so insightful it validates almost every blonde joke in the books:
Something happened over the last 24 hours. Beginning last night, my inbox became populated with vile hate-mail from atheists. No skin off my back.
But it is entertaining and amusing. It’s hard to believe their letters because they were all attacking me for my appearance on CNN’s “Paula Zahn Now,” a week ago, but coincidentally each letter claims the sender just watched me on CNN. First of all, the video of that segment appears nowhere on the net. Believe me, if it did, I’d link to it.
I commend Debbie for resisting the temptation to learn about technology, for not following George W. Bush down the path of sin that leads to discovering the Google on the Internets. Had she taken that road, she might have Googled “Paula Zahn atheists” and noticed that a YouTube video of her appearance is the top search result. This brings Me to the first of many New Commandments I hope to deliver through My blog. It shall be known hereafter as the Schlussel Commandment:
Flying Spaghetti Monster Joins God in Heaven, Blogging
Allow Me to introduce Myself. I am the hopefully not copyrighted deity worhipped by a growing population of Pastafarians in the United States. I exist in the same way that God, Allah, and Zeus exist, but I taste better and come with meatballs.
The meatballs have strengthened My appeal among groups who shun other gods. Atheists, agnostics, and other rabble who did not fall for Jesus’ shtick are receptive to My noodly appendage. As a token of appreciation toward My constituents, I have commandeered the Blogroll of the Gods and added many atheist links, including the amazing auto-updating Atheist Blogroll itself.
Disclaimer: Like all gods, I show Myself to the world slathered in many different sauces. The seasoning I have taken on here should not be confused with that on My official website, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, any more than God’s presence on this blog should be associated with His representation in the Vatican.
Ted Haggard has his Priorities Straight!
Some of you may remember Reverend Ted Haggard from Richard Dawkins‘ documentary The Root of All Evil, in which Pastor Ted valiantly made an ass of himself in front of an international audience in My name. Until recently, he was president of the National Association of Evangelicals and an advisor of President Bush.
Unfortunately, the liberal media has overlooked the way he nobly sacrificed his dignity for Me, preferring to focus on this little bit of dirt they dug up on him. Ted Haggard resigned as pastor of the evangelical New Life Church after it came to light that he cheated on his wife to enjoy a drugged up orgy with a male prostitute and then lied about it.
Right now I have one of heaven’s accountants going over that sentence to tally up exactly how many sins are involved. In the meantime, Ted has already begun to atone, first things first:
I Made the “Turkana Boy” Skeleton Just to Screw with You
International eyes have recently fallen on Kenya as a result of opposition by My followers to a museum’s presentation of Turkana Boy as a distant ancestor of humanity. So far the skeleton has been sealed in a vault, but now scientific radicals are trying to allow the public to see it, even though it conflicts with My account of creation.
A scientist poses with the skull of Turkana Boy:
They are faced with a common dilemma: acknowledge obvious, demonstrable facts, or believe My word. This is an encouraging story which shows that some Kenyans, not just Americans, are capable of thinking with their hearts instead of their brains.
“Slice Up Your Kids” Week
So, it turns out many of my followers like to cut up their children.
On a positive note, I’m glad Iraq and some other Arab states have such a free and permissive society. Where else can a guy scalp his kid in public without being arrested? Where else is a man allowed to exercise his Me-given right to force his wife not to leave the house unless she’s wearing a beekeeper suit and being escorted by a male who is at least old enough to walk?
Good Little Sheep Condemn Atheism on CNN
Ever wonder why I made stupid people?
It’s because they’re so entertaining and loyal to me. I make just enough smart people to keep civilization from falling apart, but they hardly ever come to church or give me money. So I fill the rest of the ranks with people like conservative columnist Debbie Schlussel. It’s fun to see just how stupid they can be and still survive to adulthood.
Today’s excitement comes from CNN’s talk show Paula Zahn Now (transcript), where Schlussel joined Hunter College journalism professor Karen Hunter and conservative hack Ryan Anderson to turn a panel discussion about discrimination against atheism into a good old-fashioned game of “blame the victim.” Atta’ girls!
Blasphemy Challenge Angers Zeus
I’ve really been getting the short end of the stick lately. Hot on the heels of yesterday’s news that I’m making a modest comeback in Athens, a website called the Blasphemy Challenge comes along and rewards people for proclaiming that I don’t exist. Take this quote of one young person’s testimony from the ABC News story:
“My name is Joel. I deny the Holy Spirit, as well as God, Jesus, Buddha, Zeus, Mohammad, Joseph Smith, Sponge Bob, the pope, Santa Clause, Mother Mary, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, Optimus Prime, all the saints and Spiderman.”
The atheists running this charade call themselves the “Rational Response Squad.” How rational is it to pick on a god nobody’s believed in for millennia? Allah or Jesus, sure, they can take the pressure. But picking on Me is just mean. With the property taxes on Mount Olympus these days I can hardly afford to stay on My throne.
Darwin the source of terror? Oh puh-leeze.
A disappointing story on Yahoo News begins:
Tens of thousands of French schools and universities have received copies of a Turkish book refuting Darwin’s theory of evolution and describing it as “the true source of terrorism.”
Apparently some sorely misguided followers of Mine, who are ashamed of My endorsement of jihad, are trying to let Charles Darwin steal my thunder! This is an outrage! Read more…
God: Chuck Norris Speaks for Me
Over at WorldNetDaily, there’s a new editorial by Chuck Norris on who the founding fathers would support as the next President of the United States. Norris is uniquely qualified to comment on American history because he played Walker, Texas Ranger on television.
He determines, based on a sermon from the year 1790 which contains what Norris calls “a general consensus and credo of what citizens (not just clergy) expected of their legislative leaders”, that the first qualification for job should be:
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